November 29, 2005

No Idea

I started this blog with the intentions of writing about my "productive" attempts to have a baby. But the weirdest thing has been happening: I don't know if that's what I want anymore.

I don't really know what I want right now. I am meeting with a college advisor tonight because I intend to go back to school in January for my teaching certificate and eventually (possibly) a master's.

But the problem is that I always figured I'd be a mom. That's what I've always wanted since I could remember, but it has been such a difficult road and doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I guess I'm trying to come up with plan B, just in case the whole stay-at-home-mom thing doesn't work. But I'll be 28 soon and I feel that ol' rumored biological clock ticking. I don't want to be an old mom, if I could help it.

But on the other hand, I could be very proactive and try to make the baby thing happen, but I am hestitant. Am I afraid? Have I truly changed my mind? Do I not want to try because then I have no pressure, no chance of failing? I don't know. D and I have decided to put it off for now. Besides, we're going to Disney World in a few weeks and I don't want to be worried about shots or temperatures or pills.

I sit with next year's daily calendar refill in front of me. The only thing different about this year is that I don't know what will happen. Maybe that's a good thing.

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