September 29, 2007

Boring Saturday Night

You Scored an A
You got 10/10 questions correct.
It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

September 21, 2007

My Therapist Told Me...

My therapist told me last night that I am spending too much energy thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about. I didn't need someone else to tell me that, but it does motivate me to change my thinking.

I asked him what to do about cards and/or gifts that may arrive from my in-laws. I told him I don't want to accept anything from them, especially because I know they might be encouraged and think they're making some kind of progress. They might get ideas about things magically working out between us because of a stupid greeting card. (That's not MY idea; they actually think things like that.)

"But by sending cards back, you're letting them have power over you," he explained. "You're being consumed by trying to change their thinking. And since they twist things around to suit themselves, you would never succeed anyway."

"They're 'engaging' me, is that what you mean?" I asked. (I like to dabble in psychology.)

"Exactly. Don't spend your energy trying to think of what they will think or do. So what if they think things are fine and that you're holding the card they've sent to your heart? When they don't hear from you and your actions don't change, they'll know it didn't work."

The DUH God had spoken.

I was mad hearing those words. I was mad that I had had that idea before. It came to me like a gentle, nurturing butterfly and I hastily shooed it away. I was mad that Dan had told me the same thing and was right. I was mad Dan's lack of action actually worked in his favor. And I was mad that I had let myself become some sort of victim. I was mad at myself.

For five minutes, I was mad. Then it dawned on me that--yes--I could change everything.

But you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to open the cards just to see if there is cash in them. If there is, I'll remove it (without reading the card, of course), and take it down the street to the homeless man who stands on the corner. The corner next to the new housing community with houses starting in the low $300's. I get angry when I pass by those houses and a homeless man is juxtaposed with them. Something is wrong with that picture.

I will give the money to him and I will feel GOOD about it. I have decided to take the anger and revenge in my heart and flush it out with pure nothingness. I will disconnect and I will sincerely not care.

And I'll finally get what I've been looking for: peace.

September 12, 2007

Tootsie Roll Pop of Mourning

First, I watched the VMAs and I have a few comments about Britney Spears. First of all, there are plenty of people who would LOVE to have her body because she is NOT fat, including myself. (And if I had a genie-style wish that I could customize, I would get her 1998 VMA body and throw in Justin Timberlake for good measure, but I digress.) Even if she were fat, it should be about her voice. Of course, she shouldn't wear a bra and panties on stage if she wants people to focus on her voice and not on her post-pregnancy body. She's kind of like a car wreck that you can't help but watch: disturbing, yet, honestly, embarrassingly interesting.*

Second, I don't know why I torture myself every 9/11 by watching the memorial services and shows about the widows and parent-less children. I guess I feel like it falls under the "car wreck" statement above. I remember seeing the South Park episode about 9/11 and it showed Stan's mother lying on the couch glazed over from watching all the coverage. I was like that, just because I found it terribly interesting and disturbing at the same time. I cried every September 11th for the past six years including this one when I watched a young woman who lost her mother say that her mom had been her best friend and her "everything." I couldn't help but cry because I thought of losing my mom. I'm sure it doesn't help how those people lost people they cared about. It's terribly sad when anger surrounds a death. It's almost as if the anger seals you off from healing because it takes so long to get past that. It's like a messed-up Tootsie Roll Pop of Mourning. (That sounds somewhat funnier than I really mean.)

Third, Katie took her first steps on Monday. She's only 11 months today...I just wanted to brag for a moment. Thanks.

*As a side note, I don't like car accidents. I happened upon an accident a couple of weeks ago where a guy got hit by a car and I freaked out and turned the car around so I wouldn't have to see any more than I did. Just thought I'd mention that so you don't think I'm some weird "Crash" person.

September 09, 2007

Sunday Night Musings

Some random Sunday night musings:

It's amazing how much milk your household goes through when you have a milkmonger who drinks milk exclusively. I don't think I've ever bought a gallon of milk until a few weeks ago and now I'm in the milk section all the time! Although I'm not one of those people who will complain about milk being $4 a gallon. My neighbor tried to rile me up the other day with that conversation, but she never had kids and has obviously never had to kiss the Enfamil-Formula-God's ass.

Buying a baby seat is difficult. There's too many choices and since I can't actually SIT in it, I have no idea whether or not it's even comfortable. Honestly, today I TRIED to sit in the one we just bought, but I couldn't get my big ass to fit. I didn't feel so bad, though, since the maximum weight is 100 pounds. (I'm not sure why I tried, so don't ask.) If only I could get one cheek to fit. Maybe I should recruit my puny grandmother to sit in the thing.

And, yes, I am one of the idiots who will be tuning in for the VMAs tonight. I can't help it. Although I think I've become a victim of Hollywood standards for weight because we saw Britney Spears' rehearsal on TV before and I thought she looked heavy. Dan said no, but he obviously has to answer that one carefully. I always hate celebrities because they complain about a day's work...but that's about all they have to do for the month. I think people are obsessed with them and that's completely sad. But I guess I like a little entertainment via pretty gowns and who-hates-who. Besides, I have TiVO and I could fast-forward until Foo Fighters come on.

I was in the bathroom before and Katie came pounding in--literally. She has taken it upon herself to open all closed doors and is certainly too young to understand to knock. She came in and emptied all the panty liners out from under the sink before I could grab her. Yesterday morning she opened the door to my bedroom while I was sleeping (think: police raid) and scared the crap out of me. I think Dan put her up to it. All I know is that he didn't stop her.

September 08, 2007

Lonely and Loathing

We got back from Georgia last week. We went to visit my brother Eddie and his family. It was a sweet visit, but a bittersweet ending since we know we won't see them until Christmas. I've always felt like somewhat of an only child since Eddie is twelve years older than me, but yet I have enjoyed having a brother, his children who I adore, and wife who is like a sister to me. We have always been close both physically and emotionally so the distance between us is really difficult right now. I miss them, but my life and surroundings haven't changed as unfortunately as theirs has.

Eddie called me the other night on his way home from work as he passed the aiport. He was calling to thank us for coming down, especially flying with the baby and the "stress" of traveling with an infant. He sounded as if he was going to cry, so I tried to stay upbeat in my response. I could tell he was sad but it bothered me so much. The short conversation left me feeling very sad myself. I feel so bad when my brother is hurting. I feel bad when anyone I know is hurting, but I really want Eddie to be content because he deserves it so much. I'm hoping that they move back soon so that we could go back to our regular visits and fun traditions. He moved because of his job, so maybe he could move back because of it. Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but it's all I've got to hold on to right now.

The whole thing might seem silly to others, especially if you're not close to your family. It's not that Georgia is really far or anything, but it does take time and/or money to get there and that's not exactly flowing freely right now. But it really got me thinking about Dan's family, too.

I worry about Dan because, well, I do. I guess that's a wife thing, but my concern for him would probably be a clause under my general concern about others. He hasn't talked to his parents in a long while: his mother since December and his father since about February. We have since ceased talking to his ENTIRE family since June. He says he's fine with it because they were such a pain, but I sometimes wonder.

I hate the fact that it's like this, but I'm also grateful that it is. That doesn't make sense, maybe, but it's true. Our life is so much easier and sweeter now that we've set boundries to keep his family away. I sometimes wonder how I could care so little about his family. Shouldn't they be included under my clause, too? I guess when people cause you heartache and aggravation you really don't care anymore. Sometimes I find myself having a kind thought and the rational part of my brain wants to scream. The other day I was in a store and I saw a grandmother photo frame and thought of getting it for Dan's mother. It was a split second thought...hardly even that...but I still wondered how I could think that. What's wrong with me? She hasn't even seen my daughter since last October! Does that mean I don't hate her as much as I think? It falls in place with the kind thoughts I used to have toward his mother, father, sister, brother, and grandmother, only to have them bashed in by the unkind response I would inevitably get in return. I have felt like an idiot too many times because I trusted them with my kind thoughts. They have hurt me, yet I have a kind thought. It seems self-abusive in some small way.

My therapist thinks I am under a lot of stress from the thought of my in-laws coming to my house or "invading" me in some fashion whether it be phone, mail, email, or in person. Katie's birthday is coming up and I'm afraid of them crashing the party or trying to ruin the day like they have every holiday and special day since I've known Dan. His assessment stemmed from the fact that I told him I am waking up at night and seeing things. (I even mentioned that in a previous post at one point I remember.) I suffered from severe post-partum depression and I fear that it will return like a rapist or murderer to my soul. I see things sometimes upon waking--people or objects--and I try to fight them off. He said it's my motherly nesting instinct coming into play because I am fearing my in-laws. Makes sense, although it makes me mad that they could even have a place in my subsconscious.

So here I am, missing my brother and fearing a possible return of others. Sometimes I wonder if it's karma in some way that Eddie left the area. Maybe I am to miss him as my in-laws are to miss Dan? But I don't think it's the same because no matter where he goes, he knows I love him. I will be close to him and his family no matter WHERE they go. Dan's family can't say the same. They could live next door and I will never care about them and it seems that Dan won't either.

Does that sounds like karma to you?

Inner Thoughts of a Time-Waster

Hello there, my fellow time-wasters! I have actually joined the likes of you and got cable internet, so I plan on writing a lot more now. My time is still limited by a child, home, life, etc., so it won't be all the time (I won't get all Perez Hilton on your asses), but I will write more often. That should please one or two people in the world.

I have had so many ideas for entries, but when it comes to actually sitting down and typing them out, I seem to fall short. I used to feel more connected to the Internet world. I used to feel like I had some sort of audience, whether it be friends or strangers, but I have to tell you that I now feel like no one will really see this and no one will care when they do. That will makes for an interesting canvas because you can write what you want pr will totally leave you unmotivated because what's the point in writing when you don't have an audience who can appreciate it? And I guess I agree with the latter right now because I feel like there's no sense putting my ideas out there like I did before...

I posted heartfelt, brutally honest shit on an old webpage of mine, but the people I was discussing as part of my inner thoughts found it. The short opinion comments were blown WAY out of proportion and have been used against me ever since. I didn't really care that they saw my honest thoughts, but I got aggravated and frustrated at having to defend them. (I'd never make it as a presidential candidate.) So I ended up deleting the whole page and coming here, a la Internet protection program.

So maybe that experience left a bad taste in my mouth. At the time people were asking me, "It's the INTERNET. Didn't you realize your page and all your comments could be found?!" The answer was yes. And although it didn't make sense, I wanted those negative thoughts to be found because I wanted to hurt the people to which I was referring. I know, it's completely passive aggressive, but it actually worked. I guess it was easier to find my page than my common sense even thought. I'm not about hurting anyone now, but I do sometimes like to write my feelings. And if that includes hating someone, I guess my honesty will have to hide out with the rest of my feelings.

I have several issues (perhaps a bad word for them) that I could regularly write about:

My child. Who wants to read about that, though? I mean occasionally it's probably somewhat amusing, but it gets annoying quickly. I try to spare as many people as I can from the "guess what Katelyn did this week?" excitement in which me and my husband could only relish.

My therapy/my in-laws. Okay, so this topic is definately more interesting, but it's kind of a moot point right now. I haven't seen my in-laws in nearly a year. They've managed to aggravate me during the past year, but not directly for the most part. "My" therapy is actually "our" therapy and basically for my husband to come to terms with his family, although our doc does think I am suffering from extreme stress because of the fear of coming in contact with my in-laws. I don't feel stressed. (More to come about that in a later post.)

My exciting day. And I am being sarcastic with the adjective. Do you really want to read about my day? Peek-a-boo, planning dinner, eating lunch. Wow.

So when I think all of this, I tend not to write. But yet I find other people's posts entertaining, so maybe I am being too critical. Besides, I'm sure all of my "issues" in moderation would be fine. And there is always the "next" or "back" buttons if you don't like this blog.

Although I hope you stay.