My therapist told me last night that I am spending too much energy thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about. I didn't need someone else to tell me that, but it does motivate me to change my thinking.
I asked him what to do about cards and/or gifts that may arrive from my in-laws. I told him I don't want to accept anything from them, especially because I know they might be encouraged and think they're making some kind of progress. They might get ideas about things magically working out between us because of a stupid greeting card. (That's not MY idea; they actually think things like that.)
"But by sending cards back, you're letting them have power over you," he explained. "You're being consumed by trying to change their thinking. And since they twist things around to suit themselves, you would never succeed anyway."
"They're 'engaging' me, is that what you mean?" I asked. (I like to dabble in psychology.)
"Exactly. Don't spend your energy trying to think of what they will think or do. So what if they think things are fine and that you're holding the card they've sent to your heart? When they don't hear from you and your actions don't change, they'll know it didn't work."
The DUH God had spoken.
I was mad hearing those words. I was mad that I had had that idea before. It came to me like a gentle, nurturing butterfly and I hastily shooed it away. I was mad that Dan had told me the same thing and was right. I was mad Dan's lack of action actually worked in his favor. And I was mad that I had let myself become some sort of victim. I was mad at myself.
For five minutes, I was mad. Then it dawned on me that--yes--I could change everything.
But you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to open the cards just to see if there is cash in them. If there is, I'll remove it (without reading the card, of course), and take it down the street to the homeless man who stands on the corner. The corner next to the new housing community with houses starting in the low $300's. I get angry when I pass by those houses and a homeless man is juxtaposed with them. Something is wrong with that picture.
I will give the money to him and I will feel GOOD about it. I have decided to take the anger and revenge in my heart and flush it out with pure nothingness. I will disconnect and I will sincerely not care.
And I'll finally get what I've been looking for: peace.