September 08, 2007

Lonely and Loathing

We got back from Georgia last week. We went to visit my brother Eddie and his family. It was a sweet visit, but a bittersweet ending since we know we won't see them until Christmas. I've always felt like somewhat of an only child since Eddie is twelve years older than me, but yet I have enjoyed having a brother, his children who I adore, and wife who is like a sister to me. We have always been close both physically and emotionally so the distance between us is really difficult right now. I miss them, but my life and surroundings haven't changed as unfortunately as theirs has.

Eddie called me the other night on his way home from work as he passed the aiport. He was calling to thank us for coming down, especially flying with the baby and the "stress" of traveling with an infant. He sounded as if he was going to cry, so I tried to stay upbeat in my response. I could tell he was sad but it bothered me so much. The short conversation left me feeling very sad myself. I feel so bad when my brother is hurting. I feel bad when anyone I know is hurting, but I really want Eddie to be content because he deserves it so much. I'm hoping that they move back soon so that we could go back to our regular visits and fun traditions. He moved because of his job, so maybe he could move back because of it. Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but it's all I've got to hold on to right now.

The whole thing might seem silly to others, especially if you're not close to your family. It's not that Georgia is really far or anything, but it does take time and/or money to get there and that's not exactly flowing freely right now. But it really got me thinking about Dan's family, too.

I worry about Dan because, well, I do. I guess that's a wife thing, but my concern for him would probably be a clause under my general concern about others. He hasn't talked to his parents in a long while: his mother since December and his father since about February. We have since ceased talking to his ENTIRE family since June. He says he's fine with it because they were such a pain, but I sometimes wonder.

I hate the fact that it's like this, but I'm also grateful that it is. That doesn't make sense, maybe, but it's true. Our life is so much easier and sweeter now that we've set boundries to keep his family away. I sometimes wonder how I could care so little about his family. Shouldn't they be included under my clause, too? I guess when people cause you heartache and aggravation you really don't care anymore. Sometimes I find myself having a kind thought and the rational part of my brain wants to scream. The other day I was in a store and I saw a grandmother photo frame and thought of getting it for Dan's mother. It was a split second thought...hardly even that...but I still wondered how I could think that. What's wrong with me? She hasn't even seen my daughter since last October! Does that mean I don't hate her as much as I think? It falls in place with the kind thoughts I used to have toward his mother, father, sister, brother, and grandmother, only to have them bashed in by the unkind response I would inevitably get in return. I have felt like an idiot too many times because I trusted them with my kind thoughts. They have hurt me, yet I have a kind thought. It seems self-abusive in some small way.

My therapist thinks I am under a lot of stress from the thought of my in-laws coming to my house or "invading" me in some fashion whether it be phone, mail, email, or in person. Katie's birthday is coming up and I'm afraid of them crashing the party or trying to ruin the day like they have every holiday and special day since I've known Dan. His assessment stemmed from the fact that I told him I am waking up at night and seeing things. (I even mentioned that in a previous post at one point I remember.) I suffered from severe post-partum depression and I fear that it will return like a rapist or murderer to my soul. I see things sometimes upon waking--people or objects--and I try to fight them off. He said it's my motherly nesting instinct coming into play because I am fearing my in-laws. Makes sense, although it makes me mad that they could even have a place in my subsconscious.

So here I am, missing my brother and fearing a possible return of others. Sometimes I wonder if it's karma in some way that Eddie left the area. Maybe I am to miss him as my in-laws are to miss Dan? But I don't think it's the same because no matter where he goes, he knows I love him. I will be close to him and his family no matter WHERE they go. Dan's family can't say the same. They could live next door and I will never care about them and it seems that Dan won't either.

Does that sounds like karma to you?

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