My thoughts flow freely just as I'm trying to go to bed. So after a failed attempt, here I am in front of the computer. There's something very rewarding about a quiet house and only the glow of the screen in front of me. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a candle.
The thing about your thoughts is that when they are jumbled in your head, it doesn't really matter. Trying to pry them out and post them is a bit difficult when they're jumping around, but I'll try...
I had a missed call on my cell Saturday morning that I figured could have been one of my family members (a different area code), but considering that I have everyone I care about programmed into my phone, I couldn't think of who it could be. When the phone rang again and I was able to answer it, I saw the same number. I hit "accept" and I faintly heard someone already talking so I listened without saying hello. A deep voice was saying, "Bitch, bitch, you're a bitch..." then said the full name of my husband, who's last name could sort of rhyme with bitch, using bitch in his name. (That will soon change, as you'll read.) I won't lie, it scared me because I heard the name of my husband at the end. I normally would think it was just a prank and it wouldn't scare my "virgin" ears. I guess you need some back story to understand my concern...
We are in the process of changing our last name. It will be easier to understand and use. I especially won't be burdened with the horrible association to everyone who has that name...since they all hate me and blame me for the demise of their family. But no one (we assume) knows about it. I know it would make people in Dan's family angry and I know they would blame me. Since we had to publish it in the newspaper as part of our state's name change law, I assumed someone got word of it and somehow tracked down my number and decided to call. (We don't have a landline and no one has my number.) Since Dan's last name was used and the caller sounded angry, I immediately thought it was someone from his family. (YES, I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm watching too much Dateline or something.) I hung up without saying anything and nearly hyperventilated. That seems to be my body's reaction to anything involving THOSE people and it's rather annoying.
So after breathlessly explaining it to Dan, he says [enter macho tone here], "Give me the phone. I'll call them back."
I hand him the phone. Great. One more hangup (no pun intended) to add to my Phone Phobia.
He starts the phone call by saying, "Yeah, this is Dan X. You just called?" Not exactly the force I was hoping for.
Then he starts chatting. About what, I don't know. I just couldn't believe it.
"Wait--who is that?" I yell loudly.
"It's the guy from TruGreen lawn service." This guy had called about a dozen times in the last week after giving us a quote for lawn service but Dan was avoiding his calls.
"Give me the phone." He hands it to me as I try to remember that I should remain calm in stressful situations and not resort to harsh words or--god forbid--throwing anything.
"You just called me?" I ask, giving him a chance to lie. He admits he did. "I just heard you say 'bitch' and you are NEVER to call this number again." Sure, he tried to say that he was just talking to a colleague, but I was just relieved it wasn't anyone who was personally attacking me. I still plan on writing a letter to the jerk's company, though. And I won't rely on Dan to defend me, don't worry.
I have come to accept the fact that I will probably never be left alone by the people I hate so much. I know the feeling is mutual, but they won't admit it because I guess they think they can fool Dan. I am blamed for Dan not speaking to them. There's an old saying, though, that says: Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves. (Or is that just something my mom always says?) They prove how heartless they are every time they make a feeble attempt at getting their own way, but I wish they would just leave us alone. Dan has told them that so many times. [Enter a big sigh here.]
So hopefully our name changes come through and I could at least move on emotionally. I really feel like I am finally going to get the proud, old-fashioned excitement of being Mrs. X. I wasn't emotionally able to take Dan's last name for so long because of what I associated with it. My love for him wasn't enough. When I finally had our baby I went through the process and changed it. Then I felt like an idiot because I was carrying around the name of some of the people that I abhor.
I think if I didn't have children, I would never have wanted Dan's last name, no matter what it was or who it was. My feminist ideals were part of the reason. But my traditional ideals of having the same name as my child outweighs my Lucy Stoner attitude.
I'll keep you posted.