Learned Helplessness

I edited a really interesting book yesterday. It was
actually about families of alcholics, but I found some
of its messages to be relevant. Basically it was
saying that sometimes we get into a pattern of
helplessness and we can't (or won't) accept that there
are ways out of it. Sometimes I think I've done that
regarding my whole infertility issue. Hell, I know I
have. I'm so afraid of failing that I don't want to
try. If I don't try, I can't fail. It's been easy
these last few months when I wasn't trying. It took
the pressure off and made me feel like less of a
loser.

I spent hours in high school reading Thomas Edison's
journals and even copying his handwriting. (Did I ever
mention I didn't date much in high school?) He said a
great number of things and I recently came across this
quote: "Many of life's failures are people who did not
realize how close they were to success when they gave
up."

After years of trying to find a way to be a mother, I
was told what was wrong with me. I got the key to this
massive door I've been trying to open. Now I stand
before it, key in hand, and wonder if I want to open
it. I am more afraid now that I know how to fix it.
Yeah, I don't think it makes sense, but my brain never
did work the way I wanted it to. Maybe that's what
they mean when they say guys "like the chase." Have I
been chasing something for so long that now I've
caught up to it, I don't want it? Oh no. I'm turning
into a guy.

In other news, I believe I am college bound for the
second time in my life. Scary.