January 05, 2006

Must Love Dogs (and God)

Okay, I just did a search for infertility on Blogger and there aren't that many blogs. (Not a lot that are updated, anyway.) I did notice that a lot of people who listed infertility as one of their interests also listed Christian music, god, and/or dogs.

I can't imagine infertility causing more faith, but I believe it does. Personally, infertility has turned me off from faith. I do not want to accept the possibility of God's will and a master plan for all of us. If I, a happily married, 28-year-old healthy woman who desperately wants a child cannot have one, but a woman who is on crack or who will drop that baby off at the local garbage dump could, I will be pissed. In fact, I try never to look at it that way so I don't hate the world more than I already do. Could that inequality possibly be a plan?

Productive musing from the past: I truly believed as a young adult that staying clear of drugs, alcohol, and premarital sex would enable me to reap the goodness of adulthood, such as having a child.

Quit laughing. And don't worry, nature has knocked me off my high horse. I could chalk such thoughts up to being twelve, but the problem is that in a weird conservative way, I still think that's how it should work. Back then, I lumped the people who did those things in with the ones who wouldn't get to have what they wanted when they wanted. I honestly still think that to some degree and I will admit that I'm embittered by the fact that I know now that's not the way the world works. The world is not fair and I wish I never believed it was.

Now, after years of gradually having my beliefs shredded, I am agnostic. I guess some people feel such desperation that they look to a higher power to help them. Perhaps it's my Irish spite, but I say I don't need that. I would rather think it is simply nature. Nature loves variation and mistakes are nature.

I guess I should get a dog.


Jason Hughes said...

I have a dog--they don't grow up to go to college, make money, or care for you in your old age (although apparently they will lower your blood preasure in old age) :D

It does give you something to care for, although I too would like to have a child, and I don't think my dog, no matter how much I love him, could ever replace that emptiness....

Damn It Anyway said...

Well said.