Wrestling My Demons...

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t had any productive musings on here lately. It was intentional for a couple of reasons. The first has to do with the relationship between myself and my demons. After years of infertility, it’s difficult to feel productive and fertile, even though all signs and tests are pointing that way. What do you do when the thing you’ve been wrestling with for so long suddenly vanishes? I haven’t been able to stand up, walk away, or turn my back on the situation because I feel like any moment it will sneak up and wallop me.

My second reason is because after years of seemingly being “taunted” by pregnant women, I do not want to seem uncaring or unsympathetic to others that may be going through infertility. In fact, one of the sweetest, kindest people I know is a regular reader of this blog and he is going through something similar. I know the pain he feels by not having a child yet, and although it’s because of different reasons than my own, I know that it’s difficult and nearly impossible not to feel hurt by someone else’s pregnancy. That is a lesson of infertility that so many women thankfully never learn. But for the rest of us who wrestle with the fertility demon, the slightest comments could pin us down to the mat.

One of my best friends in high school became pregnant a few months ago and told me that she felt bad even having to tell me she was expecting her second child. That made sense and in a way I was relieved to think that she knew that it was hard for me to deal with. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s as if your mind tricks you into thinking there’s only so many babies allotted in the world. You feel jealous and resentful and you can’t help it.

So I thought my friend got it until I realized that she meant that she felt uncomfortable and that she wished she didn’t have to feel that way. She preceded to ask me to pray for her because she knew a lot of people who have had problems with their pregnancies. I took great offense because whether she meant it or not, she was referring to me. After dealing with a major birth defect and eventually losing two pregnancies, no one should ever say that to me. It was insensitive and hurtful. She got extremely angry when I tried to explain how hurt I felt by her comments. I no longer consider my friend.

I guess I'm left wrestling with my productive musings...