I had a doctor's appointment today and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. I know that I should be all mushy about it, but I'm not. The nurse looked up at me with doe eyes and said romantically, "Isn't that wonderful?!" and I said, "Ummm. Yeah." Maybe it's just my mood today. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to hear it, but I think I would feel better if I could see it. A few more weeks for that...
Of course then I go and piss myself off by visiting a blog of someone who used to be a good friend of mine. Back in college we were very close (I hate the term "best friend," but I guess you could use that). I have lost touch intentionally because she doesn't really want me to be happy and probably never did. It's a weird line and it was hard for me to come to terms with it. She was always selfish in a way, but I really thought she cared about me. It just seems that a lot of my so-called friends were friends when it was easy and when they needed me. I feel used and I'm too old for that now.
At this point I don't have any close friends for the most part (physically, anyway) because I don't have the time. But it's for another reason, too: I realize that most people drain me of energy and require too much from me without giving anything back. I guess it hurts because you think you're important to someone and then as time goes on, you realize that they probably just don't care. After hours of listening to her boyfriend trouble, listening and caring, she doesn't even care that I'm happy. In fact, she doesn't like the fact that I'm happy. (She never did admit it's because she had a serious crush on the guy I would eventually marry.)
I'm happy. I'm happy and in love with my best friend. I guess sometimes that term can be used.