July 20, 2006

End of Infertility

We started our childbirth classes on Tuesday (very, very boring, by the way) and I was surrounded by nine other couples that are expecting babies in the upcoming weeks/months. As I sat there with my husband, I found myself feeling angry, bitter, and even jealous. Why? Because they are having a baby.

Yes, I'm pregnant. I'll be having a baby in a couple monhs, too, but I can't seem to always convince my brain of that. I started to analyze all of them—which ones were wearing wedding rings, how long they probably have been together, how can someone so obese get pregnant—and I had to keep telling myself that I shouldn't think that way. Why do I feel like that? Why does my mind always revert back to those feelings? I began resenting those other couples for getting pregnant. Or maybe I was resenting them because getting pregnant was easy for them and not for me.

I know it's not fair. It's not right. It doesn't even make sense. But it's how I feel without inhibition.

Most people think pregnancy is the end of fertility, but it isn't. I think even when I have my own baby that I will still feel the effects of infertility. At least I know my mind will.

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