October 13, 2007

I Feel Nothing...Now

I'm really angry right now. I'm experiencing so many emotions that I'm not supposed to be feeling. I feel mad, resentful, and hateful. I've joked on here about being part of the In-Law Protection Program. Fuck that. I don't want them to find me or contact me, but I would never try to deny how much I hate them. I only wish that I didn't feel this way for ME, in a selfish way. I know that hating someone actually ends up eating you from the inside like some sort of sick cancer, but I can't help it. I will feel this for a few minutes, write about it to get it out of my brain, and then take a deep breath and forget my loathing.

What pisses me off in a way is that today was Katie's first birthday party. It was a great party filled with family members who I care about and who love the family I have made. They accepted Dan and they love Katie so much. Today was a great day because we celebrated the day that my beautiful little girl came into the world. Yeah, I guess I had something to do with it, but birth is a strange phenomenon because you kind of feel like it happened to you and you didn't have much to do with it. I guess it's the old joke about being pregnant--the baby is coming out whether you like it or not. But I celebrate that day because it was the most wonderful moment of my life when I saw my little baby for the first time.

So, that being said, all of my anger has only materialized in the last half hour. Not bad, if you talk to my therapist, since I may have had negative feelings interfere with special days in the past. But I'm a changed woman, man! I lumbered through the day with a Fuck-It! attitude because we deserve to celebrate. Katie certainly deserves that and I think Dan and I do, too.

I retrieved a card from the mailbox that came a day late from Dan's mother, but I put it in the cupboard so he wouldn't see it until after the party. I was trying to keep him in a state of ignorant bliss and it worked.

So then he opened the card and she included a little typed message for Katelyn (who I shouldn't have to explain cannot read yet!). It was a prayer (if you know me, say "HA!" with me now) that God will always bless her and his light will always be her guide, blah blah blah. His mother said that they hope Katelyn feels love from God the same way that they would love to hug and kiss her on her special day but can't.

Jason, you're probably laughing your hardy, great laugh right now. I could hear it in my head and I'm smiling with you, buddy. Thanks for it, because it's making me laugh too. Yes, I'm mean. Yes, I'd love to go burn that letter on her doorstep. Yes, I'd like to then open the door and punch her in the head. I really sound like I'm in therapy for all this shit, don't I?

I'm laughing out loud now. Just view my profile pic and you'll get an idea. I feel better because I'm realizing that I shouldn't be mad about something so GODDAMN STUPID! Dan usually says something wise when I least expect it and he said that maybe God IS helping the situation. Just because it's not the outcome they want, they think their prayers are being ignored. There's so many of those little adages that are popping in my head right now and the one that applies is: You'll catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. If Dan has gone over to the atheist dark side with yours truly, would you send a PRAYER?

My therapist says I should try to feel nothing. NOTHING. That's going to take a lot of work, my friends. But I do agree that NO response to their card is the best thing. (In the past I would have returned it, possibly with a little note of anger.) A negative response is still something and obviously my in-laws are sucker for anything negative.

SIGH. DEEP BREATH. I feel nothing....


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