Inside My Insides

Okay, I must admit that I'm writing out of pure pressure. I feel like I should since I haven't in a while. Sometimes I think of what I'm going to write in my head, usually at times when I cannot get to a computer and type out my thoughts. And, usually, by the time I DO get to type out my thoughts, most of them have fluttered away and left me.

The only new thing around here is a huge gazebo in my backyard. Right now it's only the frame (the wind has been pretty fierce), but I can't wait to use it since my yard tends to be like a broiler in the summer. I hate to sit out in the sun, but a little playhouse outside beckons Katie and I have a feeling I will also need a retreat.

The empty frame of the gazebo reminds me of part of an anonymous mail message we received recently: "What matters to Jesus most is what's on the inside." That's good news to me because I actually agree with that. Well, I agree with the idea that your own personal thoughts are what make you spiritual or not, not how often you show up at church or what you say to others. If there's a God or Jesus or someone judging us at the end of our lives, it should matter what we were inside. As an agnostic, I am judged now. Some people think that since I don't believe I will have anyone judging me when I die, I must be hell-bent (pun intended) on being the worst person I could. It seems like most Catholics I know are behaving good because of their fear in Hell. (And most aren't behaving good. In the words of Jimmy Buffett: There's a a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.)

I am a good person, my husband is a good person, and our daughter probably will be, too. Our little anonymous sender is trying to imply that we are not good inside, but I bet that person(s) has had more hateful and selfish thoughts than I could ever have. It must be nice to sit somewhere and judge others when your world is showing what kind of person you have been in your life.

I live my life in a simple way with one simple idea: Live your life the way you think life should be lived. Against abortion? Don't have one. Don't think you should have premarital sex? Wait until you're hitched. Don't like homosexuality? Don't worry about who others love. Be an example to your children and to others and at the end of it, you could look back say that you did it the way you believe it should be done. Of course, I don't know if an honest person could say that they intended every course of travel on their life line. What I have found out is that what you think and what you do sometimes aren't the same thing. It's easy to map out your life, your love, your children's lives, but actually living it that way is very difficult. Just worry about your own life and leave other people alone! If someone else chooses to live a life that is contradictory to yours, just continue on your path and wish them well on theirs.

I don't live my life for someone or something that might be there after I take my last breath. I live my life for now. I live for my family and for myself. I am not afraid of death. I don't believe in hell. Heaven would be nice, but just not existing anymore is fine with me. I'm not so full of myself that I think a parade will be thrown amongst the heavens when I float up there. Besides, I hate parades. I always have, although a parade in front of my Grandmother's house as a kid was a lot of fun because as the trucks and cars went by, they threw candy. It was a free-for-all as we rushed to get it. I swear, you would think we never had candy. Of course I see adults do that now when anything is free.

And guess what, adults? Love is free. Awwwwwww.