December 03, 2008

I Saw a Tool at Home Depot

I just got done with my outdoor Christmas decorations. Yes, it took that long. First I got a 6-outlet power stake with a timer that turned on at dusk. So I spent last night stringing lights along the ground on flimsy little plastic spikes after plugging them in to the timer. I was derailed when I lost a few plastic spikes (I found them with a flashlight), but I finally finished. I stood back to critique my work and then the lights went out. Then they came on. Then they went out. Then they came on.

I tapped on the living room window and yelled in to Dan, "Is Katie playing with the switch?" (My dad hooked us up with a switch on our outlet so we could turn the lights on and off without going outside.)

"No," he answered.

Then it dawned on me.

They turn on at dusk. My breathtaking lights were making it think it was daylight!

For some reason, it didn't turn off until I was completely done rigging them up. Frustrated, I turned off everything and went inside.

So today I went and got a new timer that turns on and off without a light sensor. So there, stupid timer.

I thought I was done but I realized I needed an adapter for my other set of lights, so off to Home Depot I went. Again. I was seriously beginning to question my need for outdoor lighting.

So I went to Home Depot by myself. I never know where anything is in that place, so I was wandering around aimlessly for a while. Then I remembered where the electrical stuff was, so I headed there. As I walked, I suddenly heard a squeak-ish, tap-ish sound and a loud "GASP!" to my left. I turned my head and saw Dan's father--who looked like he had stumbled upon a mountain lion or something. I just scoffed at him and kept walking. I kept walking and didn't look back but chuckled to myself. It's amusing that I could bring such fear into a grown man that he would feel like he has to scurry away from me.

The funny thing is that if he hadn't made such an awful "GASP!" sound and squeak his shoes from stopping, I wouldn't have even noticed him there.

Why was he so afraid of seeing me? The smartass I'm married to said it's probably because Home Depot has a lot of heavy objects that could cause physical damage if thrown and I have been known to throw objects at in-laws.

Hmmm...I guess I could picture myself wielding numchucks that I made out of nearby broomsticks.

I brought up the fact that the Home Depot was on my turf. Yes, I live in a West Side Story kind of universe where you don't cross into your enemy's territory. Home Depot is 2 miles from me and much further for him. I win.

Although I would have loved if I NEVER saw him again in my life (as I told him the last time I had contact with him two years ago), seeing that man made me feel powerful. I went and got my plug and all the while I was feeling victorious because I know that his failed relationship with his son is his fault. He and his family may have accused me of doing horrible things and think I ruined their family, but we both know the truth. That is why he shit his pants when he saw me and wanted to run away. That is why I smirked at him and laughed--because he's pathetic. That is why I blasted Pink's "So What" all the way home, singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, laughing at my own little joke: "Guess what?/I'm having more fun/and now that we're done/I'm going to show you tonight/I'm alright/I'm just fine/and you're a tool."

Anyway, the plug fit and my lights are done. They shine brightly on a house filled with love. I'm alright and he's a tool.


Jason Hughes said...

Isn't that the best feeling in the world? :)

Hey, wassup with December 13th? Anything? No pressure, just curious...


Kel said...

Yes, it's a great feeling! Although it would have been better if I just sailed through there without seeing someone I hate so much...