One Day at a Time

Okay, I know it's been a while, even though I'm not sure anyone would notice nor care. I guess I've been losing interest in this whole blogging thing. It happens quite a lot regarding many things. Sometimes I get into a writing frenzy, then it fades. And I have about three boxes of cereal in the cupboard from my recent cereal kick, but they'll sit there because I'm SO over that. It's a wonder I'm with the same person for eight years...

Things are going fine with the pregnancy. I seem to argue with my doctor's office because they're treating me a little too normal. I guess past experiences have made me a little too knowledgable and a little too paranoid.

I just told my first co-worker that I was pregnant. (Besides Jay, but he's a friend, not just a co-worker.) She basically asked me, so it made it easy for me. She said, "Oh, hi Kelly. How are you...feeling?" It was dramatic and I figured she already knew, so I said, "I'm feeling good. I'm pregnant, did you know that?" and she said she figured. I guess my frequent bathroom trips were a tip.

I feel funny telling anyone. I'm not superstitious, I just feel odd, like it's nothing really to mention. People have asked me, "So what's new?" recently and I haven't mentioned it.

After dealing with infertility for so long, it's hard to deal with fertility. I'm just taking it one day at a time for now.

Dear Fate

Dear Fate,
Hi. How are you? I'm fine. You probably already know why I am writing. It appears that you have been very cooperative lately and I am asking for your continued support. I know we've had our differences in the past, but I hope that we could put that behind us. As you would have it, It's difficult for me to leave things in your hands like everyone tells me to do. I'm working on it. Say hi to The Nature of Things, God, Donald Trump, and Karma for me, will you?

Thanks again,
Kelly

P.S.: I also hope you'll forgive me for calling you a bastard a few months back. I didn't mean it.

Wrestling My Demons...

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t had any productive musings on here lately. It was intentional for a couple of reasons. The first has to do with the relationship between myself and my demons. After years of infertility, it’s difficult to feel productive and fertile, even though all signs and tests are pointing that way. What do you do when the thing you’ve been wrestling with for so long suddenly vanishes? I haven’t been able to stand up, walk away, or turn my back on the situation because I feel like any moment it will sneak up and wallop me.

My second reason is because after years of seemingly being “taunted” by pregnant women, I do not want to seem uncaring or unsympathetic to others that may be going through infertility. In fact, one of the sweetest, kindest people I know is a regular reader of this blog and he is going through something similar. I know the pain he feels by not having a child yet, and although it’s because of different reasons than my own, I know that it’s difficult and nearly impossible not to feel hurt by someone else’s pregnancy. That is a lesson of infertility that so many women thankfully never learn. But for the rest of us who wrestle with the fertility demon, the slightest comments could pin us down to the mat.

One of my best friends in high school became pregnant a few months ago and told me that she felt bad even having to tell me she was expecting her second child. That made sense and in a way I was relieved to think that she knew that it was hard for me to deal with. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s as if your mind tricks you into thinking there’s only so many babies allotted in the world. You feel jealous and resentful and you can’t help it.

So I thought my friend got it until I realized that she meant that she felt uncomfortable and that she wished she didn’t have to feel that way. She preceded to ask me to pray for her because she knew a lot of people who have had problems with their pregnancies. I took great offense because whether she meant it or not, she was referring to me. After dealing with a major birth defect and eventually losing two pregnancies, no one should ever say that to me. It was insensitive and hurtful. She got extremely angry when I tried to explain how hurt I felt by her comments. I no longer consider my friend.

I guess I'm left wrestling with my productive musings...